He'll Always Be Clueless

I tried really hard to be happy about the whole “Mariotti is leaving the Sun Times” story. After all, who wouldn’t be happy about the fact that Chicago won’t be subjected to this smarmy prick spewing pretty much the same spiteful crap week in, week out? This is a guy who literally writes three columns:

1. The owner of ________ team is cheap and needs to spend more money.
2. The manager of __________ team is stupid and should be fired.
3. Whatever minor event that occurred the day before is the single worst thing that has ever happened and representative of what a horrible city Chicago is.

Given this, coupled with my general spite for the vast majority of mainstream columnists, there should be no reason why I wouldn’t have vast amounts of material to throw at this slapdick (note: I’m trying them all before I settle on one).

Unfortunately, I don’t really have much to say about him, because (as much as I hate to say this), I agree with his reasoning. The newspaper is a dying entity. And its dying because of columnists like Mariotti. People are tired of reading guys who clearly don’t really like sports that much and are more concerned with exercising their writing chops than with actually developing cogent thoughts about the teams they cover. Instead of actually coming up with unique angles and stories that might make fans enjoy the game more (or at least give them funny ways of ripping their shitty teams), most newspaper columnists have resorted to finding slightly unique ways of writing the same column over and over again.

It’s no wonder that about 8,000,000,000 Cubs blogs have sprung up over the last few years. People are desperate for interesting, engaging writers who can actually express what it is truly like to be a fan. To be honest, I haven’t read a single column from any of the Trib, Sun Times or Herald columnists that was half as interesting, engaging or funny as some things I’ve read on Hire Jim Essian or one of the other blogs we link to. It is utterly impossible to relate to the newspaper columnist today, and what’s worse, the columnists aren’t even trying to bridge that gap. In demonstrating the absolute arrogance they’ve come to embody, they aren’t even trying to adapt and more often than not, are simply jumping ship like the rats they are.

A simple piece of advice to guys like Jay Mariotti: just because you’re going to get paid a whole lot of money and your columns will appear on some worthless web site, it doesn’t mean you’ll be “adapting to the new way of doing things.” Being a web columnist involves a lot more than simply being unavailable in print: it means writing with a sense of the fan (especially the young fan). As demonstrated by your entire career, you are far too arrogant to ever relate to a fan. That will never change because you are incapable of change. And that’s why we hate you.

It would have been so much more fun to write about how Mariotti is stuck in a Chinese prison after refusing to pay his 9 year old male prostitute when he gave him the clap. Unfortunately, that didn't happen (at least we can't confirm it). In the end, he is leaving the Sun Times for the right reasons, as the newspaper is dying. But in true newspaper columnist form, he is too arrogant and lazy to even try and understand what caused it. Good riddance.


P.S. Yes, I realize that I wrote "I don't have much to say about Mariotti," then wrote four paragraphs about him. You know why? Shut up, that's why.

Breaking News: Turns Out Jay is Just a Turd

Deadspin found out the real story behind the departure of Ozzie Guillen's favorite columnist.

According to two reliable sources, Mariotti, just back from Beijing, wanted to write a column on Barack Obama. But it wasn't Jay's turn to write — it was Rick Telander's — and Telander also wanted to write on Obama. And we know how Mariotti feels about Rick. Sun-Times says no, Jay, wait your turn.

And so Mariotti, showing the maturity he's famous for, calmly assessed the situation and figured he was not going to let it bother him. Just kidding! He threw a fit worthy of a three-year-old. Then this bit of greatness: Mariotti resigned, and then headed to the Sun-Times office to tape his Around the Horn segment, only to find that his security pass had been deactivated while the paper was deciding whether or not to accept the resignation. They finally accepted it.

Now that's more like it! Kudos for taking the high road, sir. Kudos indeed.

Go Cubs.

Mariotti Discovers Interwebs. Interwebs Vows to Find Better Hiding Spot.

As I'm sure you are all well aware by now, Jay Mariotti quit the Sun-Times yesterday after discovering that sports are covered (better) on the Interwebs. So long old friend. Thanks for 17 years of setting the bar as low as possible (other than when you defended Ms. Erin Andrews, high-five for that one). I hear AOL is hiring...keep your fingers crossed.

NOTE: I'm sure Martin will have a more detailed career obit from Martin later today. Now Featuring Even More Obscenities!

Go Cubs.

2008 MVP? Answer is as easy as...(pun removed at request of host).

No, I did not suffer a major head trauma over the weekend (that I can remember) nor am I currently drunk. I am, in fact, dead serious. The 2008 Chicago Cubs MVP is Felix Pie. Yes, that Felix Pie.

(Waiting patiently for my four readers to stop shaking their heads.)

Don't believe me? Let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we. Coming out of spring training, the young phenom Pie was all set to take over in center. It was his time to shine. Problem was, he forgot to bring his bat with him when they broke camp. In 30 games to start the year, the "5-tool" star managed 14 hits. FOURTEEN. That's half a hit per game for all you math geeks. That is not exactly making the most of your opportunity. In those same 30 games, he struck out a whopping 23 times. He drove in 7 and had a homer. Pie jerseys were approaching "Half Off!" status and the boo-birds were out in force at Wrigley.

So how is he the MVP? It is because of this amazing display of sucktitude that Jim "yes, I have room for thirds" Hendry was able to make TWO very important roster moves that solidified the Cubs as the team to beat in the NL.

1) Reed Johnson

After being let go by the Blue Jays, Johnson was basically just looking to play baseball...anywhere...when Hendry scooped him up. Originally just acquired as an extra outfielder, all Reed did was shove Pie aside and start raking the ball. In 86 games, he's slugging .458 with 45 runs scored. He's been solid in center and clutch when it counts. Basically, he was the anti-Pie. Not bad for a guy without a team in April.

2) Jim Edmonds

Speaking of guys without a team, Jimbo was hobbled by a calf injury to start the season and was putting up Pie-like numbers for the Padres. Showing absolutely zero patience for the struggling veteran who had done nothing but hit his whole career, San Diego gave Edmonds his walking papers after only 26 games. Ouch. Despite many desperate pleas by dumb-ass bloggers like this idiot, Hendry signed Jim and hooked him up to the rejuvenation machine. Just like Reed, he has caught everything hit his way in center and belted 15 HR along the way. Not bad at all for a former douchebag.

So as the Cubs head down the homestretch, moving closer and closer to a win total that should end up somewhere north of 90, take a moment to thank Mr. Pie for all he has done for this team. Without his valuable lack of contributions early in the season, our beloved team wouldn't have the best record in baseball let alone a 4.5 game lead in the division. Way to go Pie, your MVP trophy is in the mail!

Go Cubs.

An End…And a New Beginning

Here at FOtG, I believe we’ve gotten complacent. Sloppy. Downright lazy. We simply haven’t been doing our job to bring our four readers the cutting edge of Cubs coverage. We have shirked our job, and done you a disservice. I cannot apologize enough, but I promise a brand new day has begun.

I’m talking about douchebags.

2007 was the year of the douchebag. Everybody was a douchebag. The guy who cut you off on Ashland? Douchebag. The operator from T-Mobile who claimed that you broke your contract and wouldn’t give you your $200 back? Douchebag. It was the go-to line for anyone remotely angered by the actions of another. In the American lexicon, it was the Bob Howry to your Lou Piniella:overused and rapidly losing effectiveness. The word has been used so many times and applied to so many different types of people that it has simply lost all humor.

Most of all, however, the Cubs were douchebags. From Michael Barrett to Rob Bowen to Jason Kendall, they had a virtual murder’s row of douchebags at the catcher position alone. And with Dusty still making the news in Chicago once a week last year, the term douchebag was never more readily (and justifiably) applied.

But its time has come.

Maybe it’s the fact that the Cubs are (for the first time in any of our lifetimes) actually a team that blows people out. Maybe its because “douchebag” has become just to easy to apply to anyone and everyone. For whatever reason, the word just doesn’t carry enough weight anymore. So, as of today, I will no longer refer to anyone as a douchebag. This will be my final post with the label of "douchebags." Its over. Pour one out.

Please note, however, that the word “douche” is still readily applicable, as it describes a certain type of person who simply embodies all that is douchey. People like this and this.

So, since “douchebag” is utterly played out, its time to usher in a new era of vintage insult. And, thanks to the Desipio message board and several minutes of deliberation, I have narrowed the list to five finalists. Mary Brennaman will forever have a new moniker. And I’m leaving it up to you, the four readers of Five Outs to Go, to decide that new moniker for me. The five finalists are (in alphabetical order):

Asshat
Cockface
Dicklick
Jizzbiscuit
Slapdick

Feel free to use the comment section to cast your vote. As soon as I get a critical mass of input (i.e. more than two votes), douchebag will forever be cast out and a new day will dawn. Carpe Diem.

Off Day Email Extravaganza: Fernando Tatis Edition

Yes, before you ask, Mr. Tatis IS the best 3b available in my keeper league. Sad, but true. As of today, I stand 2 games out of the final playoff spot with 2 games remaining and I have to hang all my hopes and dreams on this SOB thanks to Evan Longoria's injury. Why am I still talking about this? Well, the Cubs took another weekend series and followed it up with an off day. Without them, I am left to obsess about my crappy fantasy team. Not good times. So in the hopes of keeping a small piece of my sanity, let's answer some viewer mail!

"J dot? What's with the lame name? Was J Diddy taken?"
Tim, Rolling Meadows, IL

Zing! Good one, Tim! Thanks for the email, person I just made up. To be honest, I am not a huge fan of this name either. It was originally chosen as an homage t0 one of the my favorite MCs, Shawn Carter aka Shawn Dot, aka Jay-Z. Actually, I think it was less lame before I used "homage" and "MC" in the same sentence. It's also one letter shorter than my actual name, so that will probably save me at least 1 hour a year of typing. When you post almost twice a week, you gotta find ways to save time.

With the Cubs playing so well, is it wrong that I want kick Derek Lee in the nuts, repeatedly?
Tim, Shreveport, LA

Not at all, guy with the same name as the last guy I made up, but I think you're gonna have to stand in line. D-Lee is turning into the Sammy Sosa of singles. He LOVES the meaningless hit. If there is no one on base, Lee can and will rip a single "right back where it came from." Put a man on base or even worse in scoring position and you can go ahead and mark "ground out" on your scorecard. It was borderline infuriating when it was happening in late May. Now? Well, all I can say is I now own a pair of steel-toed boots should the opportunity arise.

Marquis continues to pitch well. Is he gonna get screwed again and be left off the playoff roster?
Timothy, Macon, GA

Timothy? That's just a little pretentious for Macon isn't it? Anyhoo, when you say "pitch well," I am assuming you mean 5 innings with 1 K, 3 BB and 5 earned? It's gonna be hard to leave those kind of numbers off the playoff roster. I hope we can manage. Fingers crossed.

Geo of MVP? Gammons even said so!
Mark, Highland Park, IL

Finally, someone not named Tim. Yeah, I read that blog post too. While I agree with Mr. Gammons that Soto's handling of this pitching staff has been amazing, I find it hard to beleive that you can be the NL MVP when you aren't even in the top 3 on YOUR OWN TEAM. Call me old fashion.

Speaking hypothetically, what would you put the Cubs odds at: a) making the playoffs, b) winning the NLCS and c) taking home the trophy?
Jinxy Von Jinxalot, Jinxville, USA

Wow. Let's see.

Making the Playoffs: 5 to 1
They have a 5.5 game lead on the Brewers, who lead the wild card. I'd say the chances of them crapping the bed and losing the division are still pretty high, but they'd have to go all '69 Cubs on us to not make the playoffs. Let's make it 6 to 1, actually.

Winning the NLCS: 10 to 1
Good news. Home field advantage. Bad news, Randy "Cub Impaler" Johnson. Now's the time to start rooting for the Dodgers. I'm not saying that we can't beat the combo of Webb, Haren and Johnson. It's just that the first one's gonna be a 22-ish game winner, the second is the better better of the "H" pitchers and the third, well the third has NEVER LOST to the Cubs. I am already losing sleep over this matchup...and that's just round one. Good times.

Taking Home the Trophy: 12 to 1
Here is where it gets interesting. If they make it past AZ and the Brewers, then all you have to do is beat the Angels. Yes, those Angels. The ones with FIVE double-digit winners in the starting rotation. And Vlad. And Teixeira. Pardon me while I go vomit.

Go Cubs.

Ladies and gentleman, your 2008 Atlanta Braves

That's a season sweep, fellas. Thanks for all the "purpose pitches." Stay classy, Atlanta.

Go (mother f*%king) Cubs.

Lou Gave Me the Green Light.

When we started this little blog way back in April, we thought we would have all kinds of material for the season because, well, the Cubs usually end up screwing the pooch at some point. Fortunately for the team and unfortunately for the FOTG team, they have yet to even get to first base with the pooch, let alone screw it. As a fan, I am glad. As a blogger, that leaves up poop creek lacking any sort of device used to propel a boat through the water. So, I am forced to do what so many bloggers before me have done...steal a premise for a post. So with apologies to Martin, who stole this idea for HJE, who probably stole it from Len and Bob (I kid), here goes...

Mark DeRosa: Blogger, ND Groupie

I recently came across DeRo's blog for MLB "The Pulse." and in it he interviews my "moral dilemma*" Jeff Samardzija. I found the whole thing odd and a tad alarming, so I thought I'd add my own two cents to this piece of blogging history in the making.

MARK DEROSA: I'm going to interview Jeff Samardzija, who to me is by far the coolest guy on this team. What he's been able to accomplish in his career, none of these guys can hold a candle to it. To play in front of 110,000 in Ann Arbor, to play a game against USC -- I don't think Ted Lilly has ever done that.

OK. Coolest guy? Try again. He's went to Notre Dame, so that immediately negates any "coolness" factor. In my mind, coolness is Blanco's tats or Woody's secret miracle blister cure or your rugged good...un, never mind. Also, nice work throwing Ted Lilly under the bus for no reason. That's just mean-spirited.

JEFF SAMARDZIJA: He only likes me because my bobble head has given him a couple bombs, including a grand slam.

Wait, hold the phone. Samardzija has a bobble head doll already and my buddy Puma hasn't mentioned it yet? Seems unlikely. This is the same guy who carried on a two day conversation with me about how fast Samardzija throws, during which I never uttered a single word. I think he would have brought up the Samardzija bobble head doll at some point.

DEROSA: I'm going to say there's not a quarterback-wide receiver connection who can come close to what we're throwing out there.

Fine, I'm gonna say I agree because I don't feel like doing any research today.

OK, was it an easy decision to sign with baseball or did you lose some sleep over it?

Let's see...I could either choose the NFL and spend then next ten years trying to prevent 280-pound free safeties from removing my head from my torso...all without a guaranteed contract or I could sign with the Cubs for 10 million and throw a baseball every few days for the next 20 years. Yeah, that was a real brain teaser.

SAMARDZIJA: I don't lose any sleep over anything, but it was a hard decision. I had a premonition that my locker would be smashed in between Mark DeRosa, the good, and then the evil of Jason Marquis. It's a constant battle for me, but I knew that's where I wanted to be, so it wasn't too bad of a decision.

Jason Marquis is evil. That's a news flash.

DEROSA: Did you know I played quarterback [at Penn] when we first met?

Let it go, Mark. Just let it go.

SAMARDZIJA: I did find out the first Spring Training, someone told me about it, and said you had some skills. I'm guessing it was probably George [Castle]. I'm sure if anybody told me, it was George.

Who in the hell is George Castle? Now I have to use Google to follow this interview? Thanks a pant load.

DEROSA: Do you feel like in the Minor Leagues, you could've performed better if you were on a bigger stage? Were you bored with the Minor Leagues? And, I'm not disrespecting the Minor Leagues.

Hear that all you Minor Leaguers? DeRosa thinks you're boring. Sounds like someone needs a visit from Julio Castillo and his signature "pitch."

SAMARDZIJA: It wasn't the same, let's just say that, as playing in front of a lot of people and playing against better competition. I felt I was there for a reason to work on stuff, but I knew where I wanted to be.

DEROSA: So, not so much result.

Is that sarcasm?

SAMARDZIJA: Not so much result, as you can tell.

Yes. Yes it was. Two points for DeRo.

DEROSA: Are you able to go to dinner in the city of Chicago and lead a pretty normal life?

Is the "in the city of" really necessary here? Who is reading this that needs that clarification? "Oh, he means Chicago as in the city. Now I get it."

SAMARDZIJA: Are you able to go to dinner in Chicago and live a pretty normal life?

Who's asking the questions here, Jeff? Get your own blog and you can ask all the damn questions you want.

DEROSA: Yes, very much so. I'm a happily married man with a wife and child. I'm not single with long, flowing locks, who was an All-America at Notre Dame.

I'm getting a little uncomfortable with this line of questioning. Long, flowing locks? Really?

SAMARDZIJA: I think you're answering the question for me.

He is? What was the question again?

DEROSA: We've talked about throwing passes many times.

Apparently, we're moving on. Heaven forbid we get a straight answer from 'The Pulse' today.

SAMARDZIJA: We feel we're under a pretty tough radar here, throwing passes.

Ok, I'll be honest. I have no idea what you two are talking about at this point. I feel like the dorky kid in the hallway who is clueless to the fact that the jocks are making fun of him. I think I'm are one step away from one of them stuffing me in a locker.

DEROSA: I'm very impressed with how this guy has come up and been able to fit right in. The guy's got ice water in his veins and that's a direct reflection of playing football. It's something that shapes your life. People who've never played football don't understand the bond. You could tell by the play [Friday against St. Louis] in the ninth -- he gave me a huge chest bump when I made the barehanded bunt play. It was right out of catching a touchdown pass, but I was playing against Cornell and he was playing against USC.

OK, this "interview" is over! Come on! Where is your journalistic integrity for God's sake? I am pretty sure that at this point, DeRo is sitting on JS's lap running his fingers through his "long, flowing locks."

Go Cubs.

10,000!

We did it!

We just went over 10,000 hits over here at FOTG. Thanks to everyone for continuing to read our random ramblings and occasional non-sucky posts. We appreciate it! Keep coming back and we promise to keep posting. Actually, we will post either way cuz we have no lives, but still....

Thanks again!

Go Cubs!

UPDATE: As my way of saying thanks, here is another pic of everyone's favorite sideline reporter.

Off Day Email Extravagaza: Evan Longoria Edition

Subject: JJ Putz Just Murdered My Fantasy Team, Let's Talk Cubs.

J dot:

All right Martin, let's get serious. I need to fixate on the Cubs so I don't consider eating a bullet after seeing Longoria is on the DL with a (expletive deleted) fractured wrist...

It's August 11th, the Cubs have the best record in the NL and a 3.5 game lead in the Central...yet I am not happy. In fact, I am far from happy. Why? Fukudome can't hit, Howry can't throw and the closer "Rambo" gets to 200 innings the less I sleep. Add that to the fact that there is still a good chance we get hit with another injury and/or Marmol starts throwing like it's June again and we (that's the royal 'we') are screwed. Am I insane? Wait, don't answer that. Just talk me off the ledge before I stick my head in the oven.

Yours Truly,

J dot the bitter.

Martin:

Wow. When did you get Chicken Little disease? You know that if an asteroid comes directly towards earth and we can't get Bruce Willis to give up his life so that Liv Tyler can bang Ben Affleck, we're all screwed, right?

You chose the day after the Cubs have won 6 of 7 against the two teams trailing them, a week after they made the Brewers look like Prince Fielder's All-Vegetarian Dump, and watched as Chris Carpenter's arm took one more step towards Dave Dravecky territory?

Let's see...you're worried about the #8 hitter, the 5th best reliever (out of six), and a non-existent injury.

Here are some things that are de-head-in-oven-ifying:
1) The combined records of the teams the Cubs play over the next 15 games is 58 games under .500.
2) According to ESPN, the Cubs' likelihood of making the playoffs is 95%, second only to the Angels, who play in a godawaful division.

Is there anything remotely significant that you can cite as to why are actually worried?. Extra points for not mentioning the words "100 years," "Bartman," or "Goats."

Glass Surprisingly Half-Fullingly,

-m

J dot:

First of all, "godawaful"?

Second. I am not this lady.


I just think that there are some issues with this team that even you can admit exist. First and foremost, I think Alan Trammel is on steroids. He has obviously gone up three hat sizes since the season started. That needs to be addressed...soon. Also, 70's Night was basically rained out. People spent a lot of money at various thrift stores to look like morons on TV. They deserve their time to shine.

Not So Sincerely,

J dot

Martin:

Yes, "godawaful." I decided to write it phonetically so that the Cardinals' fans can read it in their native language.

Now, on to your new questions, which of course are much more concerning than the first set.

I totally agree about Trammel. Someone needs to do something. Are you listening, Congress?

As far as the rainout, I think they can have another 70s night because most of the goons who dressed up thought that tie-dyed shirts and hippies were cool in the 70s. Or maybe they can just have an 80s night so people can get out their leisure suits and disco records. Dumbasses.

Ok, I will admit there are some things that are moderately concerning.

Is Jim Edmonds going to get assassinated by some minion of Elias Coblentz?
Will Alexis Marshall make it back into the booth to promote some charity Cubs-wives' activity? Why was our GM dumb enough to draft a guy with a bad back in the first round?

Wait...scratch that last one. Wrong team.

I think there is very little to worry about with this team, at least as far as the regular season goes. Who knows what can happen after that, but I need to actually enjoy the ride for once. God knows its probably never happening again, regardless of what's on the t-shirts that the douchebag who charged Randy Myers made.

J dot:

Cardinal Fans?

I don't think we have Cardinal fan readers of this blog, but in the off chance that we do...

BATTING THE PITCHER 8TH IS F&%KING DUMB. There I said it. I don't care what that blowhole Joe Morgan says (I think that goes without saying). You're telling me that you would rather have Carpenter batting with a runner in scoring position than say Izturis? Wait. Don't answer that. Better question. Why is Izturis batting 9th? He's not gonna get on. If you firmly believe in this BS about "getting guys on in front of Albert," then maybe think about putting an ACTUAL HITTER IN THE 9 HOLE! Idiot.

Whew. I feel better.

Also, I have no idea who Elias Coblentz is. Just wanted to get in front of that one.

J (to the) dot

Martin:

Of course you know Elias. Maybe you just call him ECob, though. He's this winner:



Wait, you don't like Joe Morgan? What's wrong with Joe Morgan? He was almost accurate last night when he remarked that the Cardinals were only one run away from being "in grand slam range" when they were down 6-0 last night. That's impressively close to being right on the whole counting thing.

As far as the hitting the pitcher eighth thing, what else should Tony LaRussa do? He needs to make sure that he is constantly and ridiculously over-managing so that stupid sportscasters want to deadhorse him when he passes out at the next stoplight. Double switches can only go so far. The guy is known as TLR (LRLRLRLRLRLRLRLR) for a reason.

-m

J dot:

Getting off Tony for a second, cuz I just got off yours...wait, that's not how that joke goes is it? I was just informed by Mrs. J dot that Men's Synchronized Diving is an actual Olympic event. How did that happen?


Martin:
I think it happened when Men's Synchronized Swimming got canned.



Hey, I just realized there's a no hitter going on at The Cell. Hey, no more no hitter at the Cell. That was fun.


J dot:

A) I don't root against the White Sox, that's just petty.
B) You stole my joke.

Martin:

Why in God's name would I root against the White Sox when John Danks is pitching? He's my only non-shitty fantasy player. They're also playing the almost-Yankees, which are probably the most annoying team in baseball.

J dot:

When did we stop talking about the Cubs? Cuz if we've moved let me just add that Jacoby is killing me.

Martin:

See...that's what happens when your favorite team doesn't have much to worry about. You can move on quickly to your crappy fantasy teams.

J dot:

Yeah. Thanks for reminding me about (EXPLETIVE DELETED) Longoria again. I will now walk in front of a bus.

Go Cubs.